Thoughts on Mr Weed, a Gay Mormon

Josh and Lolly Weed, and their three girls

The other day I came across this story (that broke back in early June… Did I just say “broke back?”) of a guy named Josh Weed and his wife Lolly. I would encourage you to, if you haven’t already, take about 15 minutes and read it. Whatever your current position is on the “gay issue,” I almost promise you that your paradigm will shift as a result. And I have no idea WHICH way it will shift for you, either, and perhaps it will be ever so slightly, but I think a shift will occur nonetheless. If nothing else, it is an incredible love story and there are some great nuggets in it.

Essentially, the gist of the story is this:

Josh discovered at the age of 11 that he was gay. That his only attraction was to boys. Not girls. However, Josh was a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and within that religion there currently exists no space for someone to be a practicing gay.

As he grew up he become dear friends with Lolly. Also from the LDS church. Eventually he confided in her that he was gay, and together they grew even closer.

They tell the story of how they came to realize that they both loved each other so much (although for him, of course, there was no “attraction” to Lolly), but there was mutual respect, and trust, and intimacy. And neither felt like they could do life without the other, so they married.

Josh talks about how, for him, his commitment to the Mormon church and his desire to have and raise a family were more important to him than his sexual desires and attractions. He talks about how we all, in life, inevitably make sacrifices to live whatever lives we choose. For him, then, he was willing to sacrifice a practicing gay lifestyle so that he could have and raise a family, spend his life with his best friend Lolly, and stay a part of the LDS church. (I’m seriously doing injustice to their story with my recap. You really should read it.)

They also describe how they have a very happy sex life. For him, Josh says, the most important aspect, or GOAL of sex is intimacy. And so, as they tell it, regardless of whether or not Josh is attracted to Lolly, they still find deep intimacy in their sex life because of their commitment to honesty and openness and communication, etc.

I haven’t been able to get their story out of my head, and I’ve engaged on FB a little about it with others.

There were things about this story that I just LOVED!
And things about it that bummed me out.

So here’s a couple thoughts I’d like to share about their story, and I’d love to hear your thoughts as well.
Thoughts on what I appreciated about the blog, and what bummed me out.

(And, in the event you feel weird talking about other people’s story, THAT is one of the reasons they put it out there. On their blog. For the world to read. They are encouraging open dialogue on these issues. Now, I will do my best to not make judgements or assumptions about them, because really we only know what they tell us.)

I Appreciated the Reminder that Love is About More than Sex

This should go without saying, and yet I think it needs to be said in light of a story like this. Some people would seriously doubt that an openly gay man can marry a straight woman and be happy! But don’t we all know that loving someone is about more than the sex we have with them? I have zero doubts that these two love each other deeply, and are extremely committed to one another. Sex probably ranks differently for different couples with regards to how important it is to their love life, but all would agree that it does not start or stop there.

I Appreciated the Thought that Sex is About More than Attraction… Right?

Okay, so yes, I agree with Josh when he writes,

when sex is done right, at its deepest level it is about intimacy. It is about one human-being connecting with another human-being they love. It is a beautiful physical manifestation of two people being connected in a truly vulnerable, intimate manner because they love each other profoundly. It is bodies connecting and souls connecting. It is beautiful and rich and fulfilling and spiritual and amazing.

It isn’t just about being attracted to the other person.

But, that being said, I’m not sure that for ME I could accomplish the above (intimacy, connectivity, etc) without being attracted to the other person. Now, what does it MEAN to be “attracted?” I think, in this context at least, it isn’t about whether or not the other person is “attractive.” It’s about whether or not I am wired to be attracted to this or that type of person. And for Josh, as he says, he is not attracted to females. So he is saying that he is able to achieve the above reality in spite of not being attracted to his wife.

This seems strange and unlikely to me.
But again, that is just me.
I have no reason not to trust them.

(An aside: one thing their blog didn’t address was whether or not Lolly was physically/sexually attracted to Josh. I’m curious about that dynamic. Does SHE, as a straight woman, find Josh to be attractive in THAT way? Wow… this feels really weird to talk about, doesn’t it…)

I Appreciate Their Sacrifices… They are Incredible

When Josh describes how, for him, he wasn’t willing to give up the Mormon Church, or give up raising a biological family IN the Mormon Church, or give up his best friend, Lolly, so that he could live a gay lifestyle, I find that pretty amazing.

People for millennia have been sacrificing sexual desires for the sake of following Christ (i.e. nuns, priests, missionaries in the vein of the Apostle Paul), but not many are on record for something like this. An openly gay person choosing to stay and enjoy a mixed marriage for the sake of the above. I think it’s a beautiful thing.

I am Bummed and Wish They Didn’t Have to Make Such Sacrifices

That being said, I am of the opinion that this type of sacrifice should not HAVE to be chosen. Meaning, I wish that a person’s religious context (and some of them do, but definitely not this one) supported them in their orientation and blessed them to have a marriage with the type of person they were created to want to be with. If the Mormon church was Open and Affirming towards LGBTQ, then perhaps Josh would never feel like he HAD to make a choice: Religion or Orientation. If the Mormon church was Open and Affirming and didn’t have such narrow definitions of what makes a real marriage and a real family, then perhaps Josh would never feel like he HAD to make a choice: Dream of Biological/Accepted Family or Different Kind of Family but Still Accepted and Encouraged. And if Josh felt, in all these ways, like he could truly be who God made him to be, then I imagine maybe he could have still maintained an incredibly close relationship with Lolly without needing/wanting to marry her.

(I am trying not to judge them or their relationship. I am just postulating what might have been had these two grown up in a more inclusive, tolerant and open environment. Who knows, perhaps even if all that WAS the case, maybe they’d STILL want to be married. Maybe… but I doubt it.)

And I’m not picking on the Mormon Church at ALL, here. Almost any and all other “Christian” religions/denominations also create this same sort of environment, where gay people have to make choices on what to sacrifice.

Do I stay in the closet and maintain my community of friends and family?
Do I stay in the closet so I can still be a part of my church?
Do I stay in the closet and just marry someone of the opposite sex so that I can have a family?

I Appreciate that They Have Given their Kids an Incredible Story

Their three little girls will be growing up in to quite the amazing home.

They will get to see that “being gay” is not evil.

They will get to see what commitment and sacrifice really mean.

They will be loved, I’m sure, in an overflowing way.

They will have a story to tell for the rest of their lives.

I Hope it Continues to Work Out the Way it Has Thus Far 

This is, unfortunately, the “skeptic” in me coming out. As I read this, I had to continually challenge the thoughts that kept creeping in to my mind like, “yeah, that’ll blow up in their face one day,” or “wow, that won’t last,” or other such related thoughts.

I want to take them at their word. I want to believe them when they talk about being happy and healthy.

And so I will choose to.

However, forgive me if I still have my reservations.

I know a guy who suppressed his orientation for decades while in an opposite-sex marriage. Raised a family. Had a career. Was happy and “healthy.” Until, well, it all sort of blew up on him… and his family. Now he is out (finally) and living in to his orientation and identity and is happier than ever, but his family was wrecked as a result. A person can only suppress who they are for so long before generally bad things will happen. Of course, this guy and Josh’s story are different in that Josh is open about being gay, and is not trying to actively pray it away (like this other guy was). But still, I wonder how long a person can truly “live straight,” when they’re gay.

I know another guy who is gay, and is still in a straight marriage. But has not come out (and doesn’t seem to be any time soon). And I see, from a distance, how it is eating him up and slowly chipping away at his stability and sanity.

And there are stories after stories of people who were gay and tried to live in a straight relationship only to have it not work out. Most of those, I believe, are stories where the gay person stays in the closet. So maybe because Josh is out, that will help… I HOPE it helps.

I hope that ten, twenty, thirty years from now, there is not another blog that comes out from them and recants. Says that they were wrong to have married. That would be a travesty and devastation, and even writing it feels awful. I hope they can be the exception, because they both truly seem to WANT to be.

I Am Bummed that this Appears to Perpetuate the Idea that Being Gay is Okay as Long as You Don’t Do Gay Stuff

While this story is encouraging and inspiring on a number of levels, it does seem to perpetuate the notion that it’s okay if you’re gay, just so long as you don’t actually DO anything about your gayness. Now granted, this posture is better than the one that says just BEING gay is sinful. So there’s that. But practically speaking, I’m not sure this posture is much better.

Young people who are growing up and discovering they identify as queer need to be told that that is okay. That that is who God made them to be. And invite them to discover how to grow and mature in a healthy and loving and respectful manner.

As long as we keep creating environments that tell young people that it’s only okay to be gay if you don’t ACT gay, then we will continue to do great damage.

I don’t know how Josh ultimately feels about this issue. He didn’t seem to say, “to choose the gay lifestyle would be wrong, and should not be done.”

He just stated that for him it would have meant not getting to be a part of the LDS church.

So perhaps he believes that it would be “okay” for other people who are gay to live out their orientation. And if so, I hope that one day he will come out and says precisely that.

I Appreciated Their Courage

Opening yourselves up like this could NOT have been easy in any way. It took unbelievable courage to write that blog and to post it for the world to see. They are truly putting themselves out there, and I hope they are discovering more “good” out of it than “bad.”

They will certainly take shots from people (perhaps this blog post here, being one of them?), but I hope they receive even more encouragement.

I Appreciated their Love for their Readers

They took great pains to make sure that those reading their blog felt loved, appreciated and encouraged. They deeply wanted to support others in whatever ways they could. Their heart for people was clear!

Something I Wish I Could Ask Josh

My biggest question for Josh would be this: Do you believe that God created you to be Gay?

Based on his post, he clearly is aware that he didn’t CHOOSE to be gay. He is gay, he knows that, and he accepts it without question.

However, I wonder if he takes the next step and would say that God created him to be that way? He clearly believes in God, but does he think he is gay because of God’s design? That God did not screw up when making him as he is?

Because if he would say “yes, I believe this is how God made me,” then I wonder how he would respond to the following question: “do you think you are being disobedient to God, then, for not living in fuller acceptance of who you are?” Or, to put it differently, “do you think God is offended that you would choose to be with a woman when he clearly designed you to be with a man?”

I would be fascinated to know what his thoughts are on that.

Some could understand Paul’s words in Romans chapter 1 to suggest that people are sinning against God when they do what is unnatural for them.
What is against their nature.

Could it be said that for a gay man, like Josh, to be with a woman in a sexual way is going against his nature, and is therefore in direct opposition to God’s design?

I am just really curious as to how Josh reconciles his belief in God, his acceptance of the fact that his gay, his choosing to not live in that reality/orientation, and how that reflects back on the way in which God made him?

What About You?

If you read this, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comment section about what stood out to you. Positive or negative.

18 thoughts on “Thoughts on Mr Weed, a Gay Mormon

  1. Colby, I am so glad you wrote about this family. I read this when it came out at the direction of a friend who happens to be an acting LDS church member and after I read it I felt confused and honestly said (to myself not outloud that would be weird) what does Colby think of this? And waaaalaaaa you said what you thought. I too felt a lot of your same thoughts, awesome, honest, and skeptical. And maybe it is because my marriage had it’s own bouts of issues and we are attracted to each other, but maybe they have the right formula by having to work so hard from the begining. I don’t know.
    I do know that most the mormons I come across have an extremely deep faith and it helps them through a lot of hard times. Maybe it is something in that formula in their faith that they have the will power of superman. Maybe it’s the magic underwear (I kid, I totally totally kid! I love my LDS friends)
    Again I don’t know. I seriously read that article and had no idea what I thought. It confused me. I feel sad at his sacrifice but then again he seems so happy. I don’t know.
    Have I said I don’t know enough?????
    Thanks for this post. Sorry for the awful reply
    Miss you guys! (that I DO know) :)

    • Hey Kim! Thanks for still taking time to stop by and check in.
      And that cracks me up that I accidentally fulfilled your wish! Ha!
      I think there is something to be said from, eseentially, going IN to a marriage not just KNOWING it will be hard (because we all do), but knowing exactly in what specific way(s) it will be hard. Or, like you said, “having to work so hard from the beginning.”
      Miss y’all too!

  2. I read about this a couple weeks ago, and the whole story has fascinated me. Your thoughts about this subject are spot on, and I appreciate you starting a conversation about it.
    My thoughts: one of my first (humorous) thoughts was, “I’d LOVE to be married to a gay guy. He would be more emotionally available, we could share tips on doing hair… Truly every girl needs a gay BFF.”
    But honestly, as I really think about it, I don’t know how I’d survive being married to a man who I knew was gay. Because in my heart, I would always know that he was denying an integral part of himself, and that I was denying an integral part of myself, in exchange for marriage. There’s no doubt in my mind that you can have a really loving, supportive relationship in this situation, but choosing to deny your “core” and knowing that your spouse is doing the same thing… I’d always be wondering, no matter how open our dialogue was, if my spouse was thinking, dreaming, hoping for the ability to express that “other side.”

    Josh’s openness about this is absolutely incredible, and I can’t express how much I respect him (and his wife) for sharing this with the world, because he’s opened my perspective on marriage in such a profound way. I hope that it doesn’t end up being a cautionary tale in the future. And I also pray that the head of “religiosity” open their minds and hearts to hear that Jesus loves us all, and we were all created in love and are PERFECT, so if someone’s “core” is made to love someone else of the same sex, there’s nothing wrong with that. God created us in love, so that we may share love— he doesn’t care who we share it with, as long as we do it honestly, and openly.

    • Katy,

      Great insights. I definitely agree with you on how incredible Josh’s openness is, and am also conflicted about how a mixed-orientation marriage would work.

      I do want to push back a little bit on your comment about your (duly noted as humorous) thought about being married to a gay guy who would be emotionally available — a girl’s gay BFF.

      (I also preface this by acknowledging that I don’t know you, but you seem great, and that I don’t think you meant it this way!)

      But something about the girl’s gay BFF/hair dresser comment rubbed me the wrong way. I’m a gay man, and something that frustrates me is when society looks as gay men as “less” manly and/or masculine. Of course, the stereotypes are there in society — and are even promoted by some LGBT people — but for me, it’s a little uncomfortable. Gay men are across the spectrum, just like straight men.

      I apologize in advance if I mis-read or read too deeply into your comment! I wanted to throw my two cents in there as a gay guy (who is horrible with hair and doesn’t have a female BFF!) :-)

      Tom

      • Hey Tom, thanks for the reply, and the pushback. My comment was only supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek one, and I’m sorry that it seemed offensive to you. Of course, ALL people regardless of any “group” they identify with are all over the spectrum in regards to their personality, likes/dislikes, life experiences, etc. I’m sorry if my comment is perceived to further a negative stereotype. That was not my intent at all.
        Side note: I’m a white woman, married to a black man. My husband is 6’5″ and extremely thin, and he is **always** asked if he plays basketball. There are also many “buckets” we get thrown into, when people see us as an interracial couple. He and I joke about how he’s a professional basketball player (he’s never been a sports guy!), and how I must be more “African” than him because I like hot sauce, and all kinds of other buckets we are perceived to fit in, because we don’t “fit” into any stereotypes. All of this is done in a very sarcastic tone. I need to remind myself that over the interwebs, people don’t know **me** and the written word doesn’t convey tone, or intent. Thanks for calling me on this. I’ll try to be more self-aware.

    • Katy, you hit on something I think is key. And while I dare not “feel bad for Lolly” (because I’m not going to presume anything for her… especially something that contradicts what she is saying is true), my heart still breaks that she doesn’t have a partner that thinks she is the most gorgeous, attractive, hottest thing on the planet. And, like you said, from her vantage point, will she struggle with always feeling like a “settle?” Ugh… I dread the thought.

      • Katy,

        No worries at all. It’s probably just something I’m more sensitive about (like you and your husband!).

        Colby, thanks for the tip. I usually rock a buzz-cut. I didn’t even know what “product” was for the longest time. Maybe I (as a gay guy) need to watch some Queer Eye or something… :-D

  3. I really do appreciate how wonderfully written this post was. [ Clarification: The Weeds, not yours Colby... jk-jking ;) haha ] The Mr./Mrs. describe the relationship and intimacy within their marriage in such a beautiful manner that it is difficult to not become charmed by the couple; with this said, their relationship is not one I can emotionally or mentally comprehend. I know life is not simple, therefore, neither is love. Yet, I must use the simplistic phrase that ‘actions speak louder than words’. In essence, I feel that Josh is stating that homosexuality is ‘okay,’ but he showing their families, their church and now the world that ‘Yes, I am homosexual. However, my desire to follow the ‘traditions’ of the my faith-based community are more important than myself.’ It is obvious that what people do not understand – they tend to fear and reject. This is how I feel homosexuality is perceived within the Mormon church. I understand that while this is Josh’s and Lolly’s story to tell – it promotes the concept that a ‘straight-lifestyle’ is the right and ONLY path to continue your existence in the church. Homosexuality = Outcasted

    Your statement continues to plague me: ‘If the Mormon church was more accepting of LGBTQ community…maybe he could have still maintained an incredibly close relationship [and raise children] with Lolly without needing/wanting to marry her.’

    • I imagine hardly any of us “outsiders” can emotionally or mentally comprehend their relationship. It’s really hard to wrap my head around, and when I do, I feel just sorta out of place. Like, I shouldn’t be investing my mental energies into trying to understand their relationship… it’s like, invasive thought waves. :)

      You made a point that I also wanted to make, but I must’ve forgot. And you say it so well. How will their story make other “gays” in the church feel? Like they can ALSO accomplish this? Or, if they tried, and it backfired miserably, that they just didn’t TRY hard enough? I am sure Josh/Lolly would NEVER want to make others feel that way, but I’m sure it’s happening nonetheless…

  4. As someone who grew up non-Mormon in Utah I’m having a lot of mixed feelings about this situation and I really enjoyed your thoughts Colby. I wish nothing but happiness and fulfillment for Josh and Lolly, even if I can’t imagine myself finding it in their shoes. I also carry some baggage from my own experiences in the Mormon community and feel you hit the nail on the head with your thoughts about what would their lives look like if the faith was open and accepting to diversity of any kind. I do believe God makes us who we are and while I’m happy for Josh & Lolly that they are able to be secure and happy and share their path I worry that their story will be used as a success story, or proof, or a goal that will be pressed on other gay men and women instead of authenticating who they are.

    • Yup. If other people who are either closeted gays or are open begin to think, “hey, it worked for them… guess that ought be the path I follow too,” then that bums me out. Like you, I hope more and more faith communities would evolve theologically to give space for LGBTQ people to be FULLY themselves.

      • Just gotta jump in here on this one, and also say, as much as I cannot comprehend all of the underlying dynamics of this marriage, I can kind of understand what could be a driving factor in Josh’s decision to marry Lolly, and he tried to explain it, but it’s worth another look. I’m making a lot of assumptions, and giving Joah the benefit of all of my assumptions being true.
        For Josh, this was more than **just** his faith. His faith was an added factor, a very important one. But also, he decided he would rather be in a relationship deemed “normal” raiding children in a home with a mom and a dad. His picture of a “perfect life” involves the wife and the kids, and not two guys and kids. The argument could be made, that if two guys with kids was “normal” he wouldn’t have to make that choice, but it’s not, so he did. And furthermore, what if he decided Lolly would be a better life partner than any man, because of their faith and friendship, so he chose her? Like, for him, that was the best choice.
        Another way to consider it, men who choose the priesthood, women who become nuns. Ultimately, they have taken a vow to deny their sexual attractions (whether they keep their vows is another story) because they have decided that a marriage to God is more important than a marriage to a human. It is a sacrifice, but one that they have chosen because of what they believe their greatest life’s purpose is.
        And for Lolly, perhaps she feels Josh fulfills her more than the straight men she’s met. She appreciates the friendship and the support that she gets from Josh. And she knows he’ll be an amazing Dad, and those factors weigh more heavily than sexual attraction. And maybe she gets fulfillment by helping Josh fit into the church’s “mold” of what a “good Mormon” should be. Maybe those things outweigh her need to have a husband who is sexually attracted to her.
        I can appreciate them approaching marriage from a more “logical” perspective, one knowing that over the long haul, that deep friendship, that commitment… Those are the things that get you through. You know that person is going to walk there with you. The sex is a big part of it, but when the going gets rough, and the kids are hanging from the chandeliers and you need to be committed to a padded room, that your partner’s commitment to you, their willingness to step in and step up, is what propels you forward, not necessarily the “wanting to grab her ass” factor.
        I don’t ever want to see someone in the LGBT community choose a “straight marriage” because they feel that it’s the only “right way.” I don’t ever want to see someone deny their core needs, their sexuality, because of how others may view them. I don’t ever want to see someone feel that they must deny themselves the beauty of a loving, sexually fulfilling marriage because they feel cornered. But, even though I’ll never really be able to grasp how they can do it willingly every day, choosing that life, there is a really big part of me that respects that choice. Just like I have great respect for the nuns who are out there devoting their lives to spreading love and charity in the name of Jesus.

  5. Colby! Long time no nothing. Remember when we were going to take over the world at SAC? No? Oh, we were. But alas, it wasn’t meant to be. I loved this post as well but for some different reasons. It seems as though posts like this draw out all the folks that agree with you, meanwhile on other blogs everyone who dissents has their own conversation about how they’re right. But polite conversation with an ever present footnote of “i think this makes the most sense…but i could be wrong”, now that’s a precious thing.

    Anyways, yeah I don’t think a true and honest interpretation of scripture leaves us in the place believing that this is God’s picture of sexuality as he designed it or blesses it. But…some people wake up in the morning attracted to the same sex and get to figure out what to do with that. I think Josh’s perspective and practice is as admirable as it comes for those who take a more orthodox interpretation of scripture and yet find themselves with desires that don’t align with that. It fits well with a ‘deny yourself’ message from Jesus that seems to have been intended for those aspects of our hearts and desires that wake up in the morning inclined for things that don’t lead to life. Obviously you agree that those still exist and that the message of deny yourself is still applicable, just not on this issue I’d imagine. Anyways…from where I sit I’m always looking for real-life examples of people are honest about the flavor and level of denying that it takes for them to yield to his lordship in their life and this is a beautiful one. Anyways…for what it’s worth now your blog has heard from the other side.

    • um josh, i love what you had to say but… you know that this blog “hears from the other side” ALL the time right? in fact, most of the time it’s full of comments from “the other side” more than anything else. maybe not this particular post. maybe that’s what you meant and not his blog as a whole. but it made me chuckle to think that colby only gets comments from people who agree with him. haha. not so my friend. but really loved what you had to say. i disagree but i like how you worded it, especially that it was kind. :)

    • I DO remember those days. What happened to those plans??
      Oh yeah, I moved to Arizona, got all “lib-er-al” (it’s more impacting when said in three syllables), whilst you moved to Washington to begin your rise to C&MA Presidency! (I’d vote for you, just so you know… :)

      I like your wording of “I think this makes the most sense… but I could be wrong.”
      When I remember to do so, I try and use phrases like that. But, alas, I forget a lot…

      To assure you (not that you questioned, or ask), I believe I have given Scripture a “true and honest interpretation,” as best as I know how, on this issue. If I ever unlazy my ass, I’ll finish my UnClobber series, which partly is there BECAUSE people can sometimes make the erroneous conclusion that since I’ve landed where I have on this issue, then clearly I have not taken time to actually read my bible (I know you’re not saying this, but your comment made me feel that way).
      I think my interpretations make the most sense… but I could be wrong.

      Perhaps you have not met or befriended LGBT Christians that live out their sexuality in a healthy and God-honoring way that most certainly DOES lead to life. I promise you, they exist! I work with many of them.

      But yeah, like you said, for Josh and his convictions it requires a denial of his orientation. And if he believes he is honoring God in that, then I pray he finds Peace and Joy. I just know that many stories end up in heart-break and tragedy when gay people try and live straight.

      Oh, and like Katie said, my blog “hears from the other side” quite frequently! But I always welcome your words, for they are honesty and grace-filled. Iron, it is said, sharpens Iron. And I believe I can now go and cut some new stuff!

      Much love.

      • Over a month ago I had a wonderful heart-warming moment as I read your replies. We exchanged hugs in my head as I reflected on your gracious and thoughtful response. Outside of the world thinking just like me on everything, wouldn’t be great? (hmm…) this is the next best thing…people disagreeing civilly, honoring the image of God in each other and articulating as best we can God’s picture for a redeemed humanity. Only problem was i never relayed any of those thoughts. Well here I am! Cleaning through my inbox. I really appreciated your response and you—you too Kate! I’d stay longer but I’d rather read posts than write on them and have a few other emails as well. I’ll keep peering in…blessings as ya’ll live this out.

  6. Before I say what I like in this story, and what I don’t like, I’ll say that there’s no doubt in my mind that anti-gay campaigns *will* use this story against gays.

    What I like about the story is that I’ve already seen it helping to reduce prejudice against gays, and prejudice against marriages between gays and opposite-sex partners.

    What I don’t like about it, is the lack of any sign that Josh sees any value in the part of his personality that he calls “gay,” or in homosexuality in general.

    Another thing I didn’t like about it, for a while, was that it’s attracting a lot of attention among gays and friends of gays, to a counseling service in which I didn’t see any of the usual signs of prejudice against gays, but in which I didn’t see any sign of recognizing any value in homosexuality, either. For a while I thought it might be an extremely dangerous trojan horse.

    Thinking more about it, I decided that Josh’s effect on any gay clients will depend more on his integrity, and his competence as a counselor, rather than on his personal views about homosexuality. I’m not in a position to judge his integrity and his competence, but from what I’ve seen they look very good to me.

    As I see it, none of the concerns I’ve seen about the marriage of Josh and Lolly apply any more (or less) to it than to any other marriage in which the partners abstain from sexual intimacy outside the marriage. I see nothing that’s possible in any other sexually exclusive marriage, that isn’t possible in theirs.

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